Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Feeling Lucky

It's such a pleasantly sunny day that began with my surroundings shrouded by a damp mist as I walked to work, right up until the middle of the morning. I'm glad it's sunny now, it has definitely put me in a better mood and allowed me to better appreciate the day to come.  
I'm sat with my legs stretched across my corner sofa, ironically hiding from the sun that although its heating up the apartment beautifully, blocks quite well any chance I have of properly viewing my laptop screen. So hiding from it I am indeed. 
I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my day today. Tom has it off as well and has decided to head up to Penarth to run a few errands. I thought it nice if I were to join him but as it turns out during my shift I had a sudden urge (as usually happens when I am in work) to write and write and write. Almost two hours later I am finally able to do so. But by now I have also basically written everything I had wanted to write in my head and so I don't have as such of an urgent desire to write. If only there was a way to record ones thoughts and then replay them, wouldn't that be amazing? I feel like we would learn so much from ourselves if we were able to do so.

So maybe I should get to the point on what I wanted to write about, it's pretty deep I'll warn you all now. A story came on the news today (an interview to be more accurate) about North Korea and I don't know what it is but what I've heard and read about the conditions people face there always finds a way to tear at my heart. In the interview today the woman (who had defected) was telling such awful stories about what she had seen and faced and it just made me think how crazy it is that these things happen everyday in our world and yet here I am with barely a single substantial concern. We are so lucky to have the lives we do have, to have the freedom (of some sense) to do as we please, create the lives that we desire, be the person we feel we truly are. There are so so many people in this world who don't have these freedoms, who do not have these choices given freely to them. There are so many people out there who would do anything to live in a secure home, to be given the opportunity to learn and work and provide for the people they love. Yet there is no chance for them to do any such thing. Purely because another human being will not give them this opportunity. Isn't that crazy? And then I began thinking that we also only have these opportunities because somebody says we can have these opportunities. So are we really free? Or are we contained in a system that makes us believe we are free. 
I began thinking that maybe we should be doing more with our ability to choose our own destiny, our own lives. Why do we not have the capacity to want to help others as much as possible? To change the way parts of this world is run. 
The worlds fucked man, that's as basic as it can get. It made more sense in my head but then I don't have to explain myself to myself. I just had a sudden urge to do more with my life, as I was hoovering crumbs up from under chairs and tables and scrubbing someones clumsy splatters of milk off a leather chair. How long will I put up with this? How does anyone put up with this? Where is the fulfilment? Maybe not everyone desires this sensation. But lately I've been really craving it. The desire to escape, live a life not recommended by people who want you to work for the system and give money to the system. Part of me thinks I could do it.. I have fantasies of packing my bag and viewing the world for myself, meeting and helping people along the way. They might just remain fantasies, the realistic side of me says I will actually just live a life like everyone else, making time as much as possible to do the things I like while doing a job that I have to do in order to be able to do the things I like. Is that really what life's all about? Doesn't it seem strange that you can't just live a life full of the things you like so long as it's having a positive impact on wherever your surroundings may be. 
I feel as though I'm still struggling to find my true purpose in this life. I've learnt so much about myself in the recent years and it's really exciting. But I'm feeling like there should be more to life than just the easy, obvious way. I tease myself with thoughts of what I would absolutely love to be doing right now more than anything else, and the answer honestly is exploring. Walking, climbing, learning and meeting people from all over the world. But how realistic is this dream of mine? 
I'm saying all this and it may come across that I'm not happy right now. That's not true, I am incredibly happy with the life I have and feel so lucky to have the opportunities that I do, and to share them with the people that I do. I'm happy and in love and I can't say that I don't enjoy almost everyday given to me. But life is so precious and there must be something more to life than just living it. Or maybe there isn't. Maybe we should just take whats given to us and make the most of it (which is what humans seem to do anyways, except we tend to get greedy and want more and more). 
I just can't believe that people are forced to live in this world without basic Human Rights while others live lives of luxury and privilege just because they can. It's so wrong don't you think? And yet no one thinks to do anything about it, and most likely I will not do anything about it, as I write this thinking about how wrong this world is. 
What can I do? How would I begin to do it? What difference would it make? 

I'm thinking too much today can't you tell and I can't help but feel it's going to be a recurring issue. I'm still not entirely sure what I want to do with my life, and maybe that's what this is all about. Nevertheless I am happy with the choices I've made so far, I'm opening my mind up to so much more and I'm really enjoying the experiences that are coming my way. I just hope that there will come a point that I can do something with these opportunities and experiences. 
I feel constantly reminded by how lucky I am and I feel it's something everyone should stop and realise every so often. Please forget about the petty things and remember that the fact that you are here is more precious than anything else. And the fact that you have the ability to make something positive from you being here is probably the most important thing we can do. People sometimes ask me how I'm always so positive and I've always said its just how I am. But I feel really that it's the only way to be. How can you survive without positivity, without hope or faith or love. If you do not allow yourself the capacity for these things then you need to find a way to break free from the negative restraints and find appreciation of what comes your way everyday, maybe without you even realising. Even if it's a sunny day or an interaction with someone else that expands your minds knowledge, finding another being that no matter what always finds a way to make you happy or just doing something simple that you wholly enjoy.  Appreciate it, and recognise your appreciation. A lovely quote I will always remember is that "all we really have, is the moment that we are in". And if you allow yourself to think about it, it's true. We will always have memories, and some of them are sure to bring up a sense of nostalgia. But without a doubt we will never feel again as we are able to feel in that moment, and that's an incredibly precious thing that everyone should recognise and appreciate. 

I feel as though I should draw this post to an end. It has undeniably been a whirl of ramblings and I've loved every minute of it and I apologise if at parts it makes no sense. This is basically how my mind runs constantly, not always about such intense things, but constantly nonetheless. So it's nice to write it down every now and then. 

If I do decide on actually posting this and anyone feels the desire to read it all then I hope you've gained something from it as that is all I can wish. As for any negativity, you're welcome to give a good look at yourself and question where those feelings are really coming from and why. I am always up for a chat so don't feel afraid to post a comment or send me an email. 

With love.

Louise


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